Feelin' It

I was wedged beside my son Kyle in his recliner. He was scared and needed a large dose of TLC.  He was experiencing an intense reaction to a treatment we are experimenting with to help him while he is in cyclical agitation/anxiety episodes.

To be honest, I was pretty scared too. I also noticed I was scared of being scared. And on top of that I was judging the fact that I was scared of being scared. I may have also been judging the fact that I was judging myself for being scared of being scared.  Hmmm. Lots of layers beneath my iceberg there.

Breathe? Not so sure I was doing much of that for awhile.

My thoughts were like a windstorm and came in gusts. Lots of what ifs, should haves, what would I do ifs, oh shits.

But what if I just sat with my fear rather than running from it or trying to analyze or fix it?  Allow it. Feel it. Experience it.  Notice where it hangs out.  Hello gut.  It was a bit painful. But not excruciating. Maybe just tight. Certainly not life threatening.

Sit. Breathe. Be with what is showing up.

I sat with fear for awhile.  The thoughts were still playing but softly in the background. I couldn’t really hear them but I could still feel fear so I knew they were still swirling beneath the surface of my awareness.

At some point, I noticed other feelings took the place of fear. There was worry. An upgrade from fear. Worry evolved into concern. Concern resulted in a softening. With that softening came compassion and getting in touch with love. And gratitude for being able to be there for my son and offer comfort. Tension drifted in and out. Love drifted in and out. Doubt came and went. Confidence began to rear its head. Well hello there confidence.

I knew what to do. Inner wisdom.  I did what there was to do. Action.  Mostly it was about patiently, calmly, lovingly waiting. Being. Sitting with Kyle where he was. Reassuring him and reassuring me that he would be okay.  Eventually.

As I sat with Kyle, I sat with me. Where I was. Nothing to fix, change, or run from.  After awhile I remembered to exhale.

In hindsight, I’m pretty sure I felt the full range of human emotions in a two hour period of time. And for whatever reason, on that day, in those moments in time,  that was exactly where I needed to be.

gayle nobel