I Gave Myself Permission
On Saturday, I returned from a 17 day vacation/journey/adventure/trip of a lifetime. To sum it up, it was amazing from all perspectives including the confusion and messing up in foreign countries, which is all part of the journey and even, in hindsight, the fun and adventure. The scenery was beyond spectacular and being with my family a beautiful gift. I kept a travel blog (minus the last 2 days) which you can check out if you are curious….ItsAllAboutALTITUDE.com.
I have felt a bit like a spacecraft which is struggling to reenter the atmosphere of my real life. Reentry began with a 24 hour door to door journey home, complete with a lost piece of luggage and a rush not to miss our final flight to Phoenix. Add a gain of 9 hours for my body clock, and cold turkey off the bread an chocolate diet I was on in Europe, and an immediate dive into my responsibilities as mom and that about sums it up.
I’m not complaining, just painting a picture of reality albeit through jet lagged lenses. It has not been an easy transition. Extreme fatigue has had a grip on both of us for most of the week. Such is the price of adventure.
Today (Friday) is the first day I have felt like a normal human. There were some times when I “thought” I was back to normal, only to be proven wrong when my body decided it was time to get up at 1 AM and my head was dropping into my dinner plate.
Yesterday after Kyle left for his program, armed with a list of want to’s and have to’s, including an agenda for working out, I faded. Despite having slept well, it was 8 AM and all I wanted to do was definitely not any of the above. I was really grateful not to have scheduled coaching clients until next week.
My nature is to push through the fatigue (“You are STILL fatigued?” says my inner critic), suck it up, and keep moving forward. But I was walking through internal quicksand and it stopped me in my tracks.
“What do you need to do to take care of YOU right now?” Most of the day was mine (which is not often the case) to mold into whatever I chose. “What would best serve you?” The answer was not found on my lists. Or in any additional “should” thoughts.
My body craved the couch. And for once……
I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION.
Permission to do nothing.
I didn’t sleep. I did rest.
I didn’t think a lot. I did cry. (Not sure what that was about, but I gave myself permission.)
I didn’t analyze. I just let thoughts flow.
It felt good to allow myself to “just be”. I needed that. I seemed to need to absorb the adventures of the last couple of weeks, allow them to seep down into my soul, and sit with myself in this transition back to reality. After awhile, I was ready for something else but nothing from my list. I watched a Michael Neill interview with Elsie Spittle (from the couch) which I had been wanting to see. The message about being quiet enough to allow inner wisdom to be heard was exactly what I needed in that moment. And in couch mode, I was still enough to allow that insight to seep in at a deeper level.
For me, it was a big deal to give myself permission. Permission to listen to what my body and soul were calling out for. Even if it didn’t seem “appropriate” for 8 AM, it was absolutely perfect.
I’m wondering in what other areas I could use a permission slip from myself for myself. Something to notice.
When I surrender to it, permission feeds my soul. Yum! (Almost as yum as French baguettes and chocolate.)